From Mark Francois as a weekend warrior to Boris Johnson as a paragon of sexual virtue and Dominic Cummings as an athleisure pinup, seeing was not quite believing
For the Conservative partys Manchester conference, the slogan was Get Brexit done. Yet again, Boris Johnson swears blind hes going to withdraw on schedule. A promise an unspecified number of single mothers have heard before.
Unfortunately, this conference contained adult themes from the outset. Welcome to the errordome, where by day three it had been established that a table seating plan constitutes sexual consent; where the 1922 Committee treasurer had been sent home for an altercation with security staff right before the home secretarys speech on law and order; and where Dominic Cummings was still apparating in unexpected places wearing the same grey tracksuit. Hes not so much an eminence grise as a tracksuit grise. Cummings now edits at least three of this countrys newspapers, and had to leave the conference bar to escape all the young Tory dudes who wanted selfies with him. Youve heard of crisis-of-masculinity podcasts? You live in one.
Instead of Get Brexit done, the Tories should really have co-opted the deathless title of that Succession episode Shit Show at the Fuck Factory. Those words would have been a way more appropriate backdrop to the spectacle of various cabinet ministers squirming over whether the PM groping the upper inner thigh of a woman would be one of their personal red lines. Pressed on the Charlotte Edwardes claims, Matt Hancock blathered that he did have red lines that would force his cabinet resignation, but he wasnt going to say them out loud. Oh, Matt. Is one of them blowing a customs official to secure the release of the Fyre festivals Evian water? Because, you know convince me you wouldnt. Hancock went on to imply that unwanted touching of women was OK because Johnson has never lectured other people on their private lives. Yup, shit show at the fuck factory.
Still, here he comes, Sex Wonka, raising hopes and denying gropes. Boris Johnsons most amusing viral moment from Manchester featured one aide passing him a cup, only for another aide to snatch it back with the hissed words: No. Disposable. Cups. I suppose its very remotely possible this is something to do with the environment, though the cup didnt even get a single use. But surely the more likely theory is that the prime minister never uses a hairbrush or drinks out of disposable cups because he darent risk a DNA test.
One of the No 10 aides in question was Rob Oxley, a chap whose other eyecatching move at the conference was to enter the press room on Sunday evening with an imperious: One from each, one from each. Once one reporter from each paper had been martialled, Oxley told them the Edwardes allegations were untrue. No questions permitted. Had he been under the dinner table in question at the time? Inquiring minds want to know.
Britain is now basically governed by a Jeremy Kyle villain who knows the ancient Greek for humbug. Boris Johnsons own foreword to the conference programme declared that he felt, in Manchester, the same throb of possibility every time I visit. As youd expect from someone whose personal philosophy is no throb unyielded to. Beyond the security cordon in the real country all those wonderful people out there in the dark
Having not seen a policy since three Christmases ago, the Tories now hallucinate five before breakfast. To kick off conference, Johnson announced he would be building 40 new hospitals. (With what? Playmobil? Wine crates? We didnt hear; the figure later seems to have been commuted to six.) Andrew Bridgen literally proposed a monorail. Also being promised was limitless cheap nuclear energy within 20 years. This really is fully automated luxury WTFery. Im amazed they didnt float mining the asteroid belt. Maybe during the election.
And so to the programme of events. Given where we are with Brexit, never has the usual portentous timetable looked more absurd. You could attend endless panels with titles such as AI: Could we? Should we? or The future of capitalism. JUST TELL US WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN IN FOUR WEEKS, YOU MAD BASTARDS. Johnson and Cummings commitment to a no-spoilers Brexit is so total that they havent even told Jacob Rees-Mogg or Arlene Foster their plan. But dont worry. As John Redwood put it: It will work because weve got some technology.
But what technology? The Conservatives couldnt even update their conference app. Throughout the four days, it still showed a welter of what we might call ghost ship events, such as a big Q&A with Rory Stewart, who was not in Manchester on account of not being in the Conservative party any more. Guys, you know if its digital, you can update it at any time, yes? Maybe its because the prime minister thinks technology lessons involve dancing poles. So they did try to change the app, but thought the way you did that was by twirling seductively into an inverted splits hold, while tossing your hair to Donna Summers She Works Hard for the Money.
You could learn a lot from freeze-framing the conference at exactly the same point a year apart. On the Tuesday morning last year, prime minister Theresa May was asked in a radio interview about the manner in which Boris Johnson had stolen all her conference headlines. She replied: Im concentrating on what is important, which is getting a good deal for the UK. On the Tuesday morning this year, prime minister Boris Johnson was asked in a radio interview about Edwardes headline account of his grope. He replied: I think what the public want to hear is about what we are doing to level up and unite the country. I wonder where well be in 2020. Maybe cabinet minister Nigel Farage will deflect from the emergence of his financial ties to the Russian governments covert sex robot building programme with the words: I am focused on what people want, which is delivering our domestic agenda.
Like all his other urges, the PM cant suppress his irritation at even being asked about such things. How can this still be happening to him, now he is king of the gods? I do feel Johnson has been historically hampered by his inability to conduct assignations with mortal women by
In general, the hall reaction to speakers was muted. This is a revenue-gathering sort of gathering. In recent years, the dwindling band of elderly activists has been gradually replaced by an army of lobbyists for one form of Big Shittery or another. Even cabinet emoji Liz Truss could barely raise a laugh, while Patel should slap a whole life tariff on Northern Powerhouse minister Jake Berry for the following: The only homes we are not going to build in the north of England is Sherlock Holmes! Jake, you cant even build a joke. It feels incredibly unlikely that youre going to be up to renewing the north.
Even Johnson didnt really do the business, and they missed yet another trick not making his entrance music Shaggys It Wasnt Me. Declaiming welcome lies about having cleared up Britains debt, and eyebrow-raisers like the cocaine habits of the bourgeoisie, the prime minister looks like a man who answered a casting call searching for a Gary Busey type. He still dresses like someone who was last night banished to sleep in the car. Having said that, what was once a careless affectation increasingly begins to look essential. Not having a stylish uniform is one of the crucial bulwarks between Boris Johnson and a number of unfortunate historical #inspoassociations.
Its not just the use of terms like surrender act, which have to be said 437 times every day. This was a conference at which you could also repeatedly hear that parliament was illegitimate, the Benn Act was constitutionally illegitimate, and that the government could and should, in the words of one Brexiter, subvert it by any means necessary.
On the fringe, panel composition tended toward the Sartrean. One completely packed event by the Bruges Group, held at Manchesters Comedy Store leave it, its not worth it featured John Redwood, Mark Francois and Arlene Foster. All killers, no fillers. Im kidding, of course. There was actually a fourth panellist, in the form of a
In fact, put like that its incredible that we STILL havent Brexited, until you remember that Mark has voted a full three times, and at every time of asking, not to leave the EU. Once hed announced his forthcoming book – it will be called You Couldnt Make It Up, a title previously used by both Jeremy Kyle and Richard Littlejohn Marks Bruges Group headline appearance concluded with a stark warning to parliamentarians. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ran this thundering salvo. It tolls for them.
Hes amazing, isnt he? sighed the woman in the row behind me. I would estimate that at the Bruges Group, a scientific 83% of the women in the audience own cooking aprons printed with the torso of a French maid, would regard Boris Johnson disturbing their cobwebs as a bit of fun, and estimate there are between three and four units in an entire wine box. All of the above is the fault of 100% of the men at said event. Ive actually discovered we would have more sovereignty as a province of Canada, one stood up to drone. Could we apply to be a province of Canada? Do run along and have a crack, sir. Ill time you.
Other personal lowlights? Watching someone who used to be David Camerons adviser defending a Johnson grope. Over to this Alex Deane, who told Sky News: As the late Alan Clark said: How do I know my advances are unwanted until I have made them? So glad were ceding control of our boundaries to a deceased man, born in 1928, who named his dogs after Hitler and Leni Riefenstahl. Listen up, girls: you are getting a full house in crap sex bingo if Alex goes straight for your inner thigh, at the same time as honking: And THEN he said that Michael Heseltine had to buy his own furniture! Yes! Absolute legend!
As it so happened, Alex woke up the next morning and
Releasing new polling on Monday, Michael Ashcrofts summary of his research over the past few weeks was that those making the comparison between Johnson and Donald Trump were increasingly likely to mean it in a good way. Or as one of the PMs biggest fans, Katie Hopkins, put it: Better to be grabbed by the pussy than have a pussy as prime minister. A real banquet of options, there.
Everywhere, Tories seemed to be trying out their new ironicidal style. Rees-Mogg, who still hasnt noticed his own tailor is trying to drown him, declared: But as I grew up in the British establishment, I know how awful it is. I see its faults perhaps more clearly than most do, and its determination, its anti-democratic wish to cling to its power come what may. I am afraid the phrase Do me a favour is simply not up to the task of addressing that. See also John Redwoods claim that: As good democrats we accepted the [EU referendum] result in 1975 and got on with making the best of it.
Language is becoming unmoored from reality. An event called Challenging Islamophobia (scare quotes: Tories own) turned out to be primarily concerned with ensuring the term wasnt used at all. The Taxpayers Alliance ran two panels called Is the state killing free speech? and Am I allowed to say that?, featuring people who earn six-figure sums for saying whatever they like on prominent media platforms. Meanwhile, following an increasingly representative statement from Daniel Hannan, positively frothing with terms like junta and coup, the eminent war historian Lawrence Freedman
After these four days in Manchester, its difficult to escape the impression that this kind of rationality is going rapidly out of fashion. We are firmly through the looking glass now, and the prime minister is playing ever more dangerously with the political matches. That IS the man he is. It DOES reflect the person those who know him would recognise. And a lot of people currently love him very much for it. Floreat shitbird.
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